The other day I was listening to the Word via CD while working at my temp job. This particular CD was entitled Naked and Unashamed: Healing Heartbreak. The title comes from Genesis 2: 25 'The man and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame.' I listen to it ever-so-often when I'm feeling some resentment from past relationships and need spiritual food to get me thru it.
The CD suggested (and I always listened but never actually did it until now) I write down all of the guys I was involved with, mark the one's I was emotionally involved with, mark the one's who hurt me, and mark the one's I need to forgive. After doing this I realized, I had some serious emotional attachments to SELFISH people who hurt me and I have yet to forgive them for it. I also noticed there were only about 2 I didn't have serious issues with, which was in my early years. But after puberty, it seemed like I found what I thought was love in ALL THE WRONG PLACES. I was in love with people who either didn't love themselves, or didn't know how to love. I, in turn, loved enough for the both of us until I grew weary and gave up. I carried baggage from one relationship to another with hope and desperation to please, yet each one added to the pile and increased my painful load. 
However, the last one was the worst. He was a combination of everything I thought I wanted, and a a little bit of all the assholes in the past who screwed me over; of course I didn't see the latter until I removed my love goggles. The good thing about him was he brought me to reality. He helped me realized I put him before my father God. He helped me realize how misguided in relationships I was because I had not the proper covering from a man. He helped me realize that no one could love me better than God. He helped me see what it is I really want in a relationship with a man.....To be Naked and Unashamed. Not just physically, but more important, emotionally. To feel no fear as we walk together in Christ.
I want someone who has my best interest at heart. No he doesn't have to help me do girly things. No he doesn't even have to be able to cook and watch romantic comedies with me 24-7. I just want him to love and follow God, and that alone shows me we can work on everything else. I want him to help me stay strong in my spiritual walk, and I in turn will do the same.
As I looked at my list of past heartbreaks in amazement, I abruptly decided to forgive them. I decided to move on. As much as I may still think of them (good and bad), they probably are having the best time not thinking about me at all. I decided to write each of them a letter of how I feel, end it with forgiveness, then burn the letter, and let the ashes dissolve in the wind. I decided to stop reaching in my past for answers. I decided to stop trying to figure out when, where, and why we fell apart. Why I wasn't enough. It's pointless, because at the end of the day, honestly, I know I'm a good woman and someone will appreciate me someday. Why am I wasting my time trying to figure out why someone (who is screwed up themselves) didn't love me enough to change? Someone will see my worth. He will know that he deserves me, as I deserve him. What he doesn't deserve, are my currents efffects of past relationships.
God didn't put us all here to be alone forever, for the Bible says 'it is not good for man to be alone' . Therefore I'm not going to spend my remaining 20's wondering why I'm not married yet like some of my friends. I'm simply going to spend it enjoying my freedom and being open to love's newest possibilities. When the time comes, I want to be completey ready to be Naked and Unashamed with him forever.
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