My beloved LOCS are officially TEENAGERS now! What's ironic about that is I feel like a teenager......emerging from the awkwardness of puberty into a more independent state of mind. Figuring out what I want from myself and also what I want for myself, and most importantly what God wants from lil ole me.....Most of my life, I have lived in fear. Fear of others, fear of misconceptions, fear of being alone, fear of expressing my thoughts to a world that doesn't understand me (with the exception of a few).....It's been almost 2 years since I began this journey and I can honestly say that the more my locs grow my soul gets greener....
The fear of the unknown isn't completely gone...I'd say it's less intimidating. I'm poking fun of fear, seeing what the big hype is all about. In order to completely rid of fear forever, however, involves confrontation. So far so good, but I'll be grateful for the day when I can look any fear in the eyes and laugh! As of now, fear gets a chuckle, as opposed to the past when I'd cry like a toddler on the scene.
These Teenage years are all about being comfortable in your own skin, free to express yourself, and know that it's ok to be 'feelin yourself'....and in these dreads, I'm definitely feelin myself. My hair swings like never before, and with me being a member of Allllpha Kappa Allllpha Sorority Incorporated, the conceit can only get worse. Why should I be humble right now? Growing up, I've always been shy and slightly insecure when it came to my hair. I never had hair to grow past my neck and now after only 2 years of patience and lack of chemicals, my locs are damn near at my shoulders!
My weight, I'm OK with. I always thought I had to be a certain size to be respected, or feel good about myself. So I lost 30lbs over the course of a year (which was a year ago)....After a bad break up and some good food, lol, I may have gained about 15 of those pounds back. In the past if I was aware of weight gain, my world has ended. But now, who the fuck cares? (excuse my language). I'm at a point in my life where I could give a damn about being Kim Kardashian's size, as long as I look good in what I wear. The little discipline I have won't let me exceed a size 10/11, which is fine by me and the men who want me for who I is...... I've still come a long way.
As far as love is concerned..... haven't quite figured it out yet. I do know that I'm a sucker for it. Gets me open every time and at times drained the hell out of me. Love turns me into a complete and utter fool and regardless of how bad I get hurt, I just keep coming back for more. As of now, I'm taking a break from that tricky thing called love until I get myself intact. I'm tired of loving the unworthy and fearful and getting nothing in return. Right now I'm exploring lust as a means of self control. I know that sounds strange, but I feel that a casual situation helps me learn to control my emotions. Good bye angry black woman syndrome and hello to the girl who keeps it cool! It doesn't always get me what I want, but it helps me keep some privacy, dignity, mystery, and avoid embarrassing situations. Quiet the crazy ladies!
I love this!
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